There is absolutely no angle that works less effectively than this. The duelist, who I imagine is quite an honest man, a poor liar, a cherry tree chopping son of Sam, could not have concealed his camera with LESS talent. If he had tucked the device into his sock, he would have managed to find a way to jettison the device onto my nose. Now you may be thinking “cole, perhaps he wanted to be seen.” A fair point. In fact since this account’s birth, I’ve had more people attempt to invade my sacred space, my anxiety body, to simply be hosted upon the gallery. Therefore, I’ve excluded the duelist’s face from this photograph, if only to shield my infantile audience from the devilish mixed expression of mischief and ancient lust that marked his image. Also, here we have a rare treat- a digital camera. At the very least, the camera phone has other applications that could be used to disguise the attempt at photography. But not this. This tool has ONE purpose -aside from bludgeon- and that is to take photos. There is no hiding its function if pointed at someone, finger cocked plainly upon the shutter release. He was likely distracted by what I assume was some hipster New York shit like Mitski playing in his headphones that juggling subtlety, walking, and listening to music at the same time was simply too great a task for Franklin Cosmos here. Nonetheless, don’t bring a knife to a gun fight.
Let’s be clear. This is the face of an absolute patootie. Like an npc that sells pastries lookin ass patootie. And yet, regardless of resident patootiehood, there existed a demon inside her ribs that drove her to take secret photos of my lunch. Perhaps she was a blogger? One of the ones that gets all dressed up and invites her friends to a meal just to spend 30 fucking minutes taking photos of their dish to an audience of 10 mukbang fetishists. Or perhaps they were -just- a duelist? I’ll let you decide which is most likely. Now this was a particularly special duel, because after it took place, as I got up to leave, she asked for a regular photo. I imagine my face looked quite a bit like that evil curled smile in the old animated grinch movie when I retorted: “haven’t you already gotten one?” I laughed, she laughed, her demon laughed, it was a good time. I took a normal photo with her. All seemed right in the world. It was then that Patoot asked her friend if she wanted a photo as well, to which her friend said: “no. I don’t like him anymore.” Well -fuck you very much- strange woman getting hammered on tomato juice at 11:30 am, I don’t like you anymore either.
Four. Four asses in one shot (duelist excluded ), ripe and ready for their creeping jort and cargo silhouettes to be devoured “hole”-heartedly by my ass hungry audience. BEHOLD my friends, a stunning example of a common, amateur approach to subtly. A move I have coined “the straw man.” The technique involves manipulating one’s partner into standing in front of me, at safe distance, as if to take a casual photo. But then, assuming I’ve relaxed my guard with some entry level puppetry, the duelist peers around the friend like some guilty dog back from behind the family room couch. The camera, you see, is already zoomed in to spy me in the background, foreground occupied almost entirely by friend’s nose bridge. Thus the duel is settled, and the unaware are taken victim. But I am not unaware. No, in fact, I am aware of all of these surroundings. The last bit of hair stuck and splayed out upon your friend’s sweaty upper back. The small seagull walking almost imperceptibly against the like-colored street near captain cargo. The bathroom sign pointing you to the right receptacle to deposit your phone. And I am most. certainly. aware. of your technique. Come back after a bit of training.
What whispers one hears when paranoid. Where even a silent ~sprouse~ under one’s breath can become bullhorn. Look, HARK, the triumvirate of “let-me-see-your-managers” delegating their matriarch. Who is brash enough to sneak a photo? Ahhh yes, ‘twas the paisley Prius driver on the left. Your colleagues turned their faces in shame, but you? No. Not you. You went boldly where so many of your kind have gone before- right to the person of authority. But this time there is no discount on a pair of shape-ups for you my dear, just internet notoriety.
An advanced technique betrayed by an amateur mistake. There are times when you feel like the antagonist and times when you feel like a character in the background. And while I’m sure I could sit here and write to you of the bubbling fury I felt deep in my man womb, how much easier it is to simply liken my emotional state to the woman behind our fair human heatlamp: the fog of war stare, arms folded in resignation. I’m actually impressed with the phone call technique, nothing new to me -a cynical master of the paranoid arts, but nonetheless advanced. A shame the tact was shattered by an automatic flash feature, burning deep into my soulless eyes the image of a fallen man on the precipice of the void we call ~social media currency~ #ad #cameraduels
Couple shoutouts real quick hold up: (1 ) Shoutout to TSA precheck not approving me yet. (2 ) Shoutout to this Italian mamma mia who scared off her helpless children with secondhand embarrassment for the sake of social media points. She too is a fan of jack e codjee it seems, must have missed her quivering youths calling out "Jaghed" in the old "cock-n-balls-screening" machine. It's all audiences now folks. Nonetheless, she's about to get me on that no fly list in the Newark airport, which, is a crying shame cause Newark has always been the basement stepchild of the far superior JFK international. Eyes and ears people, #cameraduels can strike anytime and anywhere, even in high security lanes.
My father once told me that the key to great driving was ensuring the safety of myself and my passengers. Now, behold the fatherless fanatics: car in motion, eyes and hands off the wheel and road. There are times when I am truly in awe of the bravery of human sacrifice. A soldier risks all to save a fallen comrade. A group of righteous protestors fight oppression within a fascist regime. An old woman with dementia walks across a 4 way intersection to the local grocery. THIS, is not one of those times. In fact, a picture of ~a sprouse~ driving a car is so low down the life and limb foodchain, I am almost honored by the attempt. But I digress. You may be asking yourself, "Cole, aren't you taking a picture while driving too?" Yes, yes I certainly am. And typing this caption too. And while I was stopped when I took this, even if I was in motion I had already resigned my existence to another plane. If they play for keeps, so do I. The screaming and giggling that echoed from their car was a grim prologue to an ~auto~biography I should be writing: "I killed two people who probably shouldn't breed anyway," (working title ), or at least the opening sequence to "red asphalt 2." Now if they did, indeed, collide with Darwin (because of me ) I would have felt a tad guilty, I admit. But to be fair Oprah made us take a pledge for this exact reason, and so I think she should probably feel more ashamed. I hope Satan likes the photo.
Hark ~ across the expanse ~ do you see them?, three villains trying to skulk on dried leaves. Caught, the comrade to the right hastens out of frame in immediate retreat, ironic that he doesn't wish to be photographed. The two more base members of the country bear jamboree decide to hold ground, giggling to themselves as she readied her camera. Wormtongue, saying nothing to his friend whilst the act was being carried out, only awakens from the mists to point out the obvious: that I had already won. The two save face and begin their exit, chased shortly thereafter by the friend whose anonymity was not granted.
I should have guessed by the denim bedazzled devil's lettuce ball cap that the wearer wouldn't have the subtlety to pull off a proper camera duel. There, do you see her my fair audience? In the distance, past KJ's moai profile, the girl with the avocado phone case and pestle knuckles, giggling and wiggling like a toddler in a wicker chair and smelling like one of Marley's dreads. "How do you know she was taking a picture of you cole?" "Maybe she was taking a picture of KJ." Hmm, good point, but have you ever considered: eat my ass??? I know for a fact that I'm huge with the aging 420 audience.
A blinding flash. Quick blur. Momentary desperation. Primal cooing. Inevitable defeat. Temporary victory. Ahh yes, I know this ritual well. Is it wartime atrocity? Nay, tis a #cameraduel The subway is a photographic operating theater, and I am the cold body upon the table. So many shots lay unused within my library, that I intentionally avoid posting many of them. This one, this one however. This one is different. The holiday spirit is in full form. There, behind sad dad and the ghost of Christmas past, a duel was stewing. A young woman pulled the number1 #rookiemistake : flash. So excited was I, that I blurred the shot. Yes fair people, even pros are prone. Fear not, the bright light of shame shines through, and the flash is still visible. Unfortunately, the only real illumination was upon her characteristic frown of embarrassed defeat. #HeKnowsWhenYouveBeenBadOrGood #ColeInYourStocking
Don't tap on the glass, it scares the fuckbois. Here I was, walkin with a slight limp, when I suddenly notice the glass next to me fogging up. Lo and behold, a camera duel was underway. You see,a camera duel is kind of like a spider sense, except it's located in the sphincter. I turned quickly, and in just enough time to also get my own reflection. Now, I'm not a fan of selfies, personally, but I suppose a good selfie always involves making other people feel insecure. So this selfie hit all the right criteria. He thought by framing his iPhone with his delicate index fingers, he could steady his shakey hands. Wrong. My shot however, like a true pro: soft and steady, accompanied with a venomous smile. #FriendlyCompetition #cameraduels #quakingbowels
Eating in public is dangerous when my brother and I are together, mostly because duels are a constant occurrence. Have you ever had a photo taken of you while you were #UvulaDeep in a shake shack burger? No? Well it's #Lovecraftian , and it's something you inherently want to keep out of the private albums of kids with wayyyy too much liberty on #WorldWideWeb This was the setting of our present duel. Female Zack and Cody here were trying to pull the ol' "casual selfie" technique, one that frames their target in the background of an otherwise Michelin portrait of one's many chins. I'll admit I always feel a bit guilt ridden when dueling children--it's a tad dubious to take the life of a child for social currency. #ItWillEventuallyBecomeNormalThough They shot, I shot first. And while her back is turned, I'm sure the mother's maternal instincts had alerted her to her childrens' demise. #cameraduels #LittleDutchChildren #TheHaircutTranscendsGenerationGaps #pattyportraiture
I shot first. She looked at me and whimpered, "a-am I gunna end up on your instagram?" I let out a reassuring smile, "not anymore" I said calmingly as I looked the poor girl in the eyes and lied to her soul. Her friends joined me in Recognizing her guilt, they laughed, I laughed, WE laughed. It was a good time, you had to be there. Apparently graduation is not even enough to warrant acting like an adult, but who am I to talk?, I wore depends under my gown. Now that I've graduated people have been asking me "Cole, will you post more now?" To which I always say, "how did you get in my house?" #NYU #Graduation #cameraduels #pleasego
A nice afternoon as the only people sledding over 10yo, when, like an unholy din, a red menace washed over the pale white snow, camera in hand. I was a bull driven mad by rouge, and I knew...duel was on. Poor humble Douglas was caught in the crossfire, but friends die all the time in the game of war. It was only after the duel had ended, and the bodies of hundreds of Central Park children lay all around us that I noticed the man wore a #NationalGeographic emblem on his coat. He was a professional. Used to shooting #wildbeasts , my mannerisms must have been familiar to him. And the look of determination in his eye was characteristic of a man who had seen both fear and wonder. We talked after the fight, as duelist's often do, and both held a mutual respect. He was @kikeo , check out his side of the story. #PoorDouglas #PhotoShootoff #Protographer #DuelingInTheBigLeagues #DaddyNeedsANewPairOfShoes #NatiColeGeographic
Wow, look at the face she's making. The human mouth should only open that wide for two reasons: (1 ) screaming 'fire,' and (2 ) wailing during moments of overwhelming humanity. Apparently I warranted that primal facial contortion. YES I, it is I in that photo. I like to give opposing perspective to the #cameraduels , mainly because it's fun to see myself shoot victorious, but also because some of you...incurable skeptics...don't believe the duels actually happen. They say "Cole youre paranoid!" And they're right, I am, but clearly for a reason. This shot actually shows the victims POV from the last duel I posted. If you zoom in close to my face, you can actually see the twisted grin. Zoom even closer and I'm sure you could see Satan in the reflection of my goggles. Oh wait, nevermind... that's not Lucifer, that's just the girl screaming. #MortalQuestions #ScreamingSelfie #Opposhot
When you get sneaky photos taken of you, you pick up a profound sense of paranoia. All of your senses are heightened to the duelist's presence. You can smell em, you can taste em in the air, you can see the red aura that they burn off their boney frames. Most of all, you can hear your name whispered like voldemort. I've become adept at knowing when someone says my name, even in a crowded noisy lodge. (Kahhhlllll•ssssppprrooowwwss ) is all I heard from the two girls staring at me out of the corner of my eye. Their pupils were pitch black, and they were smilin with teeth like sharp stones.if it weren't for the photo proof, I would swear the whole event took place in grainy black and white. Here are the two pullin the ole overtheshoulder slickpic. Looks at that venomous grin, like a guilty dog. #Coldemort #cameraduels #camera_duels #MammothMountain
Not but 30 seconds after arriving on the plane, a quick glance to my right revealed this seafoam sapiens breathing heavily and scrambling for her phone. Little lady must've thought, just because her phone matched her shirt, that I wouldn't detect her desperate photos. Firstly, my vision is based on fear, and I saw you right away. Second, nay. The victim: @tater_tots15 claimed it was a "tie." Her innocent account name perfectly reflects how violently she lost. She posted a picture of our duel, in which my debonair gait and relaxed posture so too reflects how prepared I was for her ludicrous display of #AeronauticArseholery My Cheshire grin must have scared the other passengers, and I was quickly escorted off the plane for being #TooDamnBomb #cameraduels
Who would have thought, the mother with child, would have prioritized taking our picture over steadying her baby's carriage on a moving train? I did. I would have thought. Firstly, her child is too young for The Street Life of Shaq and Kobe, so we all know she was taking that picture for herself. Unless of course she was making a long term investment, banking on the baby enjoying the show when #it grows up. #ItsCalledInvesting Trying to be sneaky, she made the number 1 rookie mistake, #Flash My poor, helpless, innocent, virgin brother was caught in the middle of our duel. You can see the fear in his eyes and the determination in mine, both being trumped by the look of shame in hers. #cameraduels #BabyOnBoard #FamilyDrama #TheStreetLifeOfShaqAndKobe
"I just don't wanna be in the picture" she said, saddened by the fact that she was now collateral damage. Vengeance was the only thing on my mind, the lady's honor depended on it. I was in no mood for photos...I had a different kind of ammo for this. Sometimes a duel asks for a new kind of approach, and so a video was appropriate. The poor duelist signaled game on by screaming a whisper into her companion's face. This was shortly followed by a giggle, one that was enough to make a hyena jealous. The male companion grabbed his floppy hat and smiled nervously. This is when she fired the first couple shots. Thankfully (and "unfortunately" if we're being politically correct ) the crowded subway goers took the shots for me. Necessary casualties. Now is when the video began, panic already sewn through the entire car with multiple people's photos already taken. Let the duelists' final expressions tell you who won. #cameraduels #SubwayShowdown #streetfighter #video #ManyFramesOfShame ______________________________ Also, I started another Instagram account: @sprousemasterworks Lets just say it's dedicated to the drawn art pieces from the sprouse fanbase. If you like camera_duels, you'll enjoy it. Or maybe you won't, either way #IWillStillSleepAtNight #TLDR
#cameraduels #camera_duels #MechanicallyMischievous Look upon it, do you see? This is the venomous face of mischief incarnate. I've decided to zoom this picture into, what may be, an uncomfortable proximity of this boy's head. It does serve a purpose though, and I wanted you all to plainly see what a duel looks like from a contestant around 16yo. They all do this exact face, and I don't often paint with such a large brush, but Instagram is a place for generalizations. Lets break it down mechanically. Chin down, eradicated by the skin of the neck. Nostrils flared in an ape-like message of passion. Cheeks bulging with rotten words. Eyes half closed after a session of frantic blinking. And, of course, the smile, that damned thing, illuminating an upper jaw triumphing over its defeat of the lower. Mania, pure insanity. What scared me the most, however, was how this kid looked like he could've been a younger sibling. How often have I made this face?
#cameraduels #camera_duels #ATrick #AngerCafe #Caf 'anger "Don't worry, I won't post this photo" I told him lokinously. Yet even with glasses he didn't see through my illusion. Behold his defeat! His friend, the girl honking her vocals on the right, knew he was bested, and tickled by the event I quivered with a publicly pleasant rage. Winners write the events in history, and this duel has forever been etched on virtual stone.
#cameraduels #camera_duels #TheOtherSideOfTheDuel So you babblers keep asking for "MOAR PICS OF YOUR FAISE!" My consistent brushing off of these remarks hasn't worked, so I'll answer your desperate requests in a rarified but relevant way. I don't take photos of my face because that goes directly against the point, artistic and functional, of this account -plus EVERYONE else on instagram, aside from the frenchbulldog owners, gives you the same exact thing...hoards of selfies, so why should I?-. This photo, however, fits both the needs of my cooing populace and the requirements of my account. This is a photo of me winning a duel. You can tell I'm winning because I'm smiling maliciously, a response of second nature to me now. I remember who took this photo actually, a young girl sitting next to her young, skateboarding boyfriend. Both of them #ReekedOfPatchouli They must have thought themselves quick, not evidently quick enough. At least she didn't try to shoot me in the back like most of the other NYU arrivals. #ShootingTheBackIsNotADuel #eatyourveggies #brushyourteeth #gotobedataresponsiblehour
#cameraduels #camera_duels #AStirringInTheEast New semester has started up at NYU and that means the arriving class is getting younger and younger. For people of a more social inclination this would be a good thing, as a new crowd means new friends!... Yet, for people like me, palid and tempered by the hammer of a desktop computer and eyes blackened by late nights in Skyrim, younger crowds mean more duels. Upon review of my past battles, it seems the majority of my duelists are Asian. I don't know if this is because of the large population of the Asian community at NYU (or any university for that matter ), or that my giggles are so kawaii that easterners gravitate towards my camera like satellites. Either way, the fear is real. This young asian woman, the one with water spouting from her skull like the drool from Dylan's mouth, tried to catch my entire party off guard. If it weren't for the quickness of my draw, she might have caught me mid bite. She failed, and to make her defeat worse, I was drinking Japanese green tea. #FueledByHerAncestorsDrinkOfChoice
#cameraduels #camera_duels #Germany #flippenfloppen #derOopsideDownLand #itsaGermanWord Oh look, what a standard technique they employed to try and catch me off guard. I'll just casually swing my phone in my hand while walking...but wait, I wasn't just swinging my phone, I was actually taking your picture, single handed. My mamba-like agility is what keeps me ahead of your photo shenanigans. They tried, they lost. Look at their sad German expressions. One might say I found shadenfreude. #BabiesOnTrial #GitErDone You guys may wonder "Cole, why don't you post more often?" It's simple guys. I don't waste all my time on this website filled with people so vain, that they serve as a highway for my bad blood. Cholesterol problems you see. #GottaEatSomeCheerios
#camera_duels #Bulgaria #RageUnending #neversafe Look at this shit. See these kids? I did too. Apparently someone caught me dueling a two children...what have I become? That may look like a smile on my face but don't be fooled, thats pure anger of a 24karat composition. My trip to Bulgaria taught me that Bulgarians really don't give a damn. The men: built like boulders on Popsicle sticks (always skipping leg day ). The women: all babushkas in training. Thankfully the archaeological site was fun... if you like working outside and filter feeding manure through a sheet of dust...archaeological Darwinism, the strong survive. But seriously, Bulgaria, say hello to Asiz, I'll be back soon
#cameraduels #camera_duels #TheElusivePink #SuccubineGiggling Usually the first signs of a duel, there are tell-tale environmental cues to alert one that a battle has started. First comes the wheezing, followed by a toyota giggle that would make the most stubborn of drivers switch lanes. Next comes the religious whispers -the plotting to go through with the sin. Then, the hiding of one's self, and finally the snap of the picture. LET ME TELL YOU HOW WELL I KNOW THIS PROCESS. I know it so well, i go through the all the steps before i go to bed at night. This girl might have succeeded if it weren't for her loudly colored, pink iphone case. The slow, awkward lean behind your mother didn't hide your defeat. #IFeedOnLoss
#cameraduels #goodform #justkiddingfuckyou Outside, drinking coffee, look up, dischick. Her and her mother posed perfectly with me conveniently in the middle their two heads. While my first instinct was to drop trow and show them the ole gibbous, I figured you guys would enjoy a photo more. Good try ladies
80k followers! Wow 80k more people who now try to take secret photos of me on the street! Yay? Did my Instagram backfire? Have I actually stoked the flame rather than douse it? No matte, I'll duel all of you if need be. This kid thought he was reaaaaal slick from 2 feet away. Tip- if you wanna avoid attention, don't lock with my eyes and drop your mouth.- When he took the photo, he let out a call that sounded a lot like a gibbon's mating ritual. Secrecy is what will lead you to victory in a duel, not impassioned primate squealing.
#cameraduels #scope #animatedcats #thecamerasutra Judging by the hello kitty briefcase I'm going to guess and say that (a ) this man has a daughter or (b ) he has an unhealthy infatuation with cartoon cats and Disney channel (a fetish in its own right ). I was asked how I knew this man was taking a photo of me. No one, not a single person, casually looks at their phone at that angle. Directly in front of the face, looking right into the screen, but 2 inches from the nose, this is a clear photo taking position. If you're holding your phone like this and aren't taking a picture you're going blind, hate to break it to you, you don't even need to see a doctor, I can diagnose you.
#cameraduels #playingaDS #persuAsians #pastapocalypse #mommyshome last night I had a dream I lost a camera duel, that's how I knew it was a dream. I'm back from my hiatus away from dueling. I was waterfall training up in the Sierra mountains, perfecting my camera techniques and growing an even more beautiful head of hair. THIS CHICK RIGHT HERE THO, tried to snap one of me eating some noodles. I flipped the table and threw noodles everywhere. Pastapocalypse was brought down upon her. She didn't know that ramen, to me, is like spinach to popeye. No but seriously she looked genuinely upset that she couldn't prepare for her big debut on my Instagram. That's whatcha get.
#cameraduels #camouflage #notblendingin With almost no time to react, just as I take a seat on the subway I'm stirred by the sounds of elderly bickering. I look up to see, not two older folk, but two young people wrestling over a phone. Turns out they were fighting over who got to take a 'sneaky' shot. His camouflage didn't help him in the slightest. Perhaps it was the woman sitting next to him who, after the tussle, had thrown her legs on him in lusty defeat, but the the man seemed greatly bothered by something. Likely my victorious shit-eating grin.
#cameraduels #bigtroubleinchinatown #chinesesurprise While eating with my family, and to my surprise, a waiter (our trusted waiter ) had descended upon us weapon in hand. He took out my brother, necessary casualty, and proceeded to try and capture my soul along with him. "Not on this day!" I howled, snapping a photo quicker than lightning. Afterwards, he tried to engage in conversation using some dialogue that certainly wasn't human. I'm keeping my lens cap off whenever I enter that place from now on. Some of you may be wondering, "what did you do to piss off tumblr Cole?" I met them all in person and insulted their respective family lineages, betraying the trust I gained by meeting them all face to face. Don't worry, they are the people I take photos of in this Instagram...well maybe not the older Chinese waiters but you get the implication
#cameraduels #thaicuisine #padtiminglady #bigguns In the game of camera dueling, the heavier and more expensive the weapon, the slower and more obvious the draw. I heard and saw this woman ages before she was ready to take the shot, not to mention, she forgot to turn the flash off (I have another photo in which I caught the flash ). Forgetting to remove the flash is baby's first mistake, comparable only to an extremely loud shutter. Always the signs of a novice, a large camera has all these aforementioned problems +, and is never the good way to go. Can't I eat my pad Thai in peace? : )
#cameraduels #quiveringrage #familyportrait #tablefullofgibbons If you had any previous doubt whether or not people were ACTUALLY taking my photo, this should solve it. The girl, probably around 9, got out her camera phone and then, encouraged by her entire table, proceeded to fire off shot after shot in my direction. I'll let you guys pull at all the atrocities in the previous sentence. After she had finished, she looked at me vacantly, turned her nose upward so I could see her mucus, and grunted in a phacochoerus fashion. Goog that word if you don't know it.
#cameraduels #edhardy #familyportrait #redvengeance One of my favorites. A father and daughter partook of the opportunity to bond with one another at my expense. Judging by the fathers hat (an Ed-hardy bedazzled trucker cap that said DGAF ), this family really takes what they get offered. Not a bad way to live if you ask me. Many of you have been engaging in camera duels without my awareness to it. While I would normally applaud your success, I feel the need to reiterate how a duel works. Shooting someone IN THE BACK is not a duel, that's a cowards game. If it weren't for my luscious mane and primate physique, how would you even tell it was me in the photo!? Just a thought, if you want to win the duel, you should get my face in the shot. That way you can see my crippling despair.